Many children have parents that are going through a divorce each year. Not only can a divorce be stressful for the spouses involved, but it can also affect their children. From changed routines, changing parental roles, custody disputes, money problems, court hearings, etc., divorce is a hard time for most kids. Some parents do not do necessary things to ensure their children are going through the divorce process as smoothly as possible. How children react to divorce will depend on their personality, age, and their environments during the divorce process. However, below are some things you can do to ensure a smoother process for your child.
Breaking the News
There will be no easy way to inform your children of your decision to get a divorce. When you and your spouse are confident about your decision, you should talk to your children as soon as possible about your choice to live apart. How this is presented to the children will vary greatly depending on the child’s age and maturity level. It is best to have both parents present for the conversation. During your conversation, it is important to leave your negative emotions out of it. Of course, it is acceptable for your children to be upset, however, try to keep your thoughts of blame or anger out of the situation. This will allow the children to see how you are reacting and model your behavior towards the circumstance. It is also important that both parents emphasize the decision to get a divorce was and is not the child’s fault and continue to give reassurance throughout the process. Most importantly, they need to be offered reassurance that they are loved, they will be taken care of, and they will still see both parents.
During the process of divorce, you should help your children get accustomed to their new way of life as much as possible. Explain in detail the way things are going to happen and change in their life. Answer any questions they may have as honest as possible. It is important that you do not blame the other parent for the situation. Tell them the things that will and will not change in their daily routines. Be prepared to answer questions like “will I be going to the same school,” or “who am I living with.” They may not understand everything at the moment, but this will help their understanding of the events in the future.
Helping your Child Process the Divorce
Children may take the divorce as an intense loss, like the death of a grandparent for example. They may essentially be “grieving” the divorce. By helping children express their feelings and emotions, you can help them grieve their particular loss and adjust to their new way of life.
The most important thing you can do is listen to your child. Your child may want to share their feelings and thoughts with you. It is critical that you help them find words for their feelings. Children often have a difficult time expressing their feelings in the first place. By noticing their behavior and moods and encouraging them to talk to you, it will help the family dynamic in the future, as well as help how they are feeling now. Sometimes it is necessary to engage the children in formal counseling to give them an outlet to talk through their feelings in a safe environment. Many schools also offer divorce support groups so the children can discuss their feelings with their peers.
It is important to let them be honest with you as well. Children do not want to hurt their parents’ feelings, and sometimes the things they are feeling may end up hurting someone’s feelings in the process. Reassure them that whatever they say is okay and no matter what you will be there to listen and encourage them, even if your feelings may be hurt in the process.
Children may take the divorce as an intense loss, like the death of a grandparent for example. They may essentially be “grieving” the divorce. By helping children express their feelings and emotions, you can help them grieve their particular loss and adjust to their new way of life.
The most important thing you can do is listen to your child. Your child may want to share their feelings and thoughts with you. It is critical that you help them find words for their feelings. Children often have a difficult time expressing their feelings in the first place. By noticing their behavior and moods and encouraging them to talk to you, it will help the family dynamic in the future, as well as help how they are feeling now. Sometimes it is necessary to engage the children in formal counseling to give them an outlet to talk through their feelings in a safe environment. Many schools also offer divorce support groups so the children can discuss their feelings with their peers.
It is important to let them be honest with you as well. Children do not want to hurt their parents’ feelings, and sometimes the things they are feeling may end up hurting someone’s feelings in the process. Reassure them that whatever they say is okay and no matter what you will be there to listen and encourage them, even if your feelings may be hurt in the process.
Providing Stability
After a divorce, your children may feel like their whole life was turned upside down. They may be moving homes or schools, and they won’t see the other parent as often as they did before. They will be worried about how their lives are going to change. It is important for both parents to provide consistency with their new lives. Parents need to communicate and try their best to implement the same routine at each house, to the extent possible. Keeping the same eating and bed schedules, continuing their extracurricular activities, and continuing a routine with rules, rewards and discipline will also help your child feel more stable in their confusing times.
Working with Your Ex-Spouse
Problems between parents have the potential to be very destructive for kids. Parents should try their hardest not to put their children in the middle of their disagreements or fights. They should try to avoid conflict overall in front of their children. It is important to remember that you should keep your arguments with your spouse to a minimum and try to never argue in front of your children, in person or on the phone. Refrain from talking about your spouse negatively in any way in front of your children, or to people who may repeat your words to your children. While you may no longer want to have a relationship with the other parent, it is crucial that your children still have a good relationship with their other parent.
Instead, try to focus on the positives of the situation. Encourage your children to look at the positive attributes of the other spouse, even if it is hard for you to do so. Work on your relationship with your ex-spouse so that your children can do the same. Once parents figure out how to move from spouses to co-parents, it will make a happier and healthier environment for your children altogether.
Everyone Benefits
Going through a divorce can be hard on children. Remind yourself that the work you are putting in now will pay off in the long run even if you do not see the immediate effects of your efforts right away. The happiness of all parties involved, including you and your ex-spouse, should be the priority going forward during and after a divorce.
This article is based on general information and is not intended as legal advice. Each divorce and custody proceeding is unique and any specific questions about your case should be directed to your attorney.